"Pick up your toys".
"Why Dadi?"
"Because you can’t leave them on the floor. You must learn to look after your things".
"But why Dadi? Why do I have look after them?"
"Because things cost money, you can’t be careless and throw them around. Nothing in life comes for free".
"Not everything. Somethings are free".
"Like what?"
"Like a rainbow. You can’t buy rainbow in a shop".
Wisdom from a four year old, sometimes kids can teach us a valuable lesson.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Saturday, September 06, 2008
All Dads Die
"Why did Dada die?" asked my three year old after learning about the passing away of her grandfather.
"People die when they grow old" I said a little unsure about how to deal with the subject.
"But Ija is older than Dada" said the six year old referring to her great grandmother "Why did Dada die before her?"
I wonder if sometimes politicians have easier press conferences than parents. How does one teach children about death of a loved one? What does one do when faced with barrage of such questions? Somehow they never give out a user manual with little children. You know the one with instructions that tells you what to do and when.
"Is he not coming back now?"
"No my dear he is not with us anymore but he remains in our memories".
"My friend Jack has gone away too, Papa has Jack died?"
A brief pause while you figure out how to explain the difference between going away to a place and the departure from our life of a loved one to a three year old. It was to be a recurrent theme in the conversation over the next few days. The six year old by the virtue of having spent more time with her grandfather remembered more. The elaborate games played with a very patient grandfather, the walks they went on and those long conversations on the toy phones. Then one day sitting with her younger sister she recalled with grown-up tone that only a child could muster. "I feel sad that you will never get to know how much fun Dada was".
"All dads die" said the three year old.
As I pondered over the innocent statement of a child I realized how true it was. As time goes by you find yourself morphing into your father. A face that starts to remind you of your father as you grow old. That and the DNA strains which come out in a laugh that sounds familiar. And fingers big, fat and squished in ways that scream out your heritage to the world.
So it’s true that all dads die, but a part of them still lives on inside us. We take on their roles as we bring up our children. We are dads now, working on memories that will remain long after we have gone.
"People die when they grow old" I said a little unsure about how to deal with the subject.
"But Ija is older than Dada" said the six year old referring to her great grandmother "Why did Dada die before her?"
I wonder if sometimes politicians have easier press conferences than parents. How does one teach children about death of a loved one? What does one do when faced with barrage of such questions? Somehow they never give out a user manual with little children. You know the one with instructions that tells you what to do and when.
"Is he not coming back now?"
"No my dear he is not with us anymore but he remains in our memories".
"My friend Jack has gone away too, Papa has Jack died?"
A brief pause while you figure out how to explain the difference between going away to a place and the departure from our life of a loved one to a three year old. It was to be a recurrent theme in the conversation over the next few days. The six year old by the virtue of having spent more time with her grandfather remembered more. The elaborate games played with a very patient grandfather, the walks they went on and those long conversations on the toy phones. Then one day sitting with her younger sister she recalled with grown-up tone that only a child could muster. "I feel sad that you will never get to know how much fun Dada was".
"All dads die" said the three year old.
As I pondered over the innocent statement of a child I realized how true it was. As time goes by you find yourself morphing into your father. A face that starts to remind you of your father as you grow old. That and the DNA strains which come out in a laugh that sounds familiar. And fingers big, fat and squished in ways that scream out your heritage to the world.
So it’s true that all dads die, but a part of them still lives on inside us. We take on their roles as we bring up our children. We are dads now, working on memories that will remain long after we have gone.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Scam Dunk
"So how much money do these dictators make anyway"?
"What that eh?" the question catching me off guard, as it usually does when my dog Nawab is concerned. Yes you heard that right, those of you who don`t know about him, Nawab my talking dog. Got him free from my friend Ahmed who was leaving for Toronto. A great big loopy shaggy dog. Part this, part that, a bit of everything, in fact a Tiger Woods of the canine world. A dog with his paws in more than one basket.
"I was just trying to figure out the amount of money that a military dictator of a third world country makes" said Nawab.
"Probably enough to make the directors of some Swiss bank very happy" I replied trying to figure out what was happening.
"You know that you could be right about that one".
"So what`s up?" I asked my curiosity getting the better of me.
"Oh! Didn`t I tell you? Ah well you will learn it eventually anyway. I have been contacted by someone and while I am not at a liberty to state who, let`s just say it is someone close to the former regime in `M`".
"Why would they contact you? And for what purpose would they choose you?" I asked.
"Well because umm because obviously they know I am a `person` of integrity.
For they need someone who can be trusted enough to carry out an undertaking of great importance".
"And how would they know that person is you? In fact do they know that you are not a person but a dog?"
"They got my name off the business directory on the internet and I fail to see what my being a dog has to do with this".
"OK, but why did they choose only you? And that too out of the many others whose name is in that business directory? And on the topic of business directories how is your name coming up in business directories?"
"How would I know that? I`ll have you know I have been marked out as the dog to watch, why just the other day my trainer told me `I am keeping a close eye on you`. So word does get around you know".
"Just what I feared" I groaned.
"You just worry too much. This is a nothing but purely a business proposal. Furthermore it is of mutual benefit and entirely based on mutual trust, cooperation and a high level of confidentiality as regard this transaction".
Something about the words that he was using sounded familiar. So I queried him again. "Lets just start at the beginning, somebody close to the former regime in `M` has contacted you because you a man of great integrity. I am using `man` here as they obviously don`t know which species you are from".
"Being snide now aren`t you? But that is correct".
"And they have based this assumption on an entry in a business directory".
"True".
"Some business directory found on the internet, and that means that they don`t really know you then?"
"Yes but my details are there".
"And they sniffed those details out?" I found that quite funny so I repeated it again, "and they sniffed those details out?"
"Very droll but yes they have my details".
"So I am guessing there is some money involved here".
"That is correct, a very large sum of money that I can help them retrieve".
Realization was slowly dawning upon me but I needed some more details. "And would you need to do a lot of work to retrieve this, um, money?"
"Well all logistics are in place and all modalities worked out for a smooth actualization of the transaction within the next few working days of commencement."
Everything pointed to an internet scam. Some dreams would have to be shattered and it needed to be done quickly. "So basically what you are being asked is `please help me spirit some million dollars from country `N` through your bank account and I will give you a few million dollars for your mere participation!`"
"That is entirely correct".
"And secrecy is of utmost importance, right?"
"Right".
"And all the money will be given to you once you supply them with your account details".
"You seem to know the drill".
"Yes and if you are not careful you will be drilling a hole in your pocket".
"What do you mean?"
The time had come to educate my dog about the great e-mail scams. In fact before it went online the scam had been sent out to victims via letter and fax. It is a simple message stating the sender has a large sum of money, and needs help transferring it out of Nigeria, or some other African nation. As a reward for your help, the sender promises to pay you a third of the money. Once you respond to them, guess what? The sender explains that there are transfer fees for the transaction, and that you`ll need to pay them.
Well who said money making was easy?
Investigations have revealed that the victims tend to get embroiled into the scam as the money supposedly gets close to being paid, but can`t seem to quite get to the bank account without increasing amounts of money to be paid. These emails are constantly being modified and country of origin being changed as they travel across the globe chasing victims.
"You know I never believed in this stuff" said Nawab.
"You didn`t?"
"Hey! I am pretty sharp nothing gets by me".
And nothing gets through him too, judging by the last two break-ins. But we really need to be vigilant about these scams on the internet. I think I`ll just heed the advice in the e-mail that my bank sent me and confirm my online username, password and credit card number using the link to the bank website on the internet.
"What that eh?" the question catching me off guard, as it usually does when my dog Nawab is concerned. Yes you heard that right, those of you who don`t know about him, Nawab my talking dog. Got him free from my friend Ahmed who was leaving for Toronto. A great big loopy shaggy dog. Part this, part that, a bit of everything, in fact a Tiger Woods of the canine world. A dog with his paws in more than one basket.
"I was just trying to figure out the amount of money that a military dictator of a third world country makes" said Nawab.
"Probably enough to make the directors of some Swiss bank very happy" I replied trying to figure out what was happening.
"You know that you could be right about that one".
"So what`s up?" I asked my curiosity getting the better of me.
"Oh! Didn`t I tell you? Ah well you will learn it eventually anyway. I have been contacted by someone and while I am not at a liberty to state who, let`s just say it is someone close to the former regime in `M`".
"Why would they contact you? And for what purpose would they choose you?" I asked.
"Well because umm because obviously they know I am a `person` of integrity.
For they need someone who can be trusted enough to carry out an undertaking of great importance".
"And how would they know that person is you? In fact do they know that you are not a person but a dog?"
"They got my name off the business directory on the internet and I fail to see what my being a dog has to do with this".
"OK, but why did they choose only you? And that too out of the many others whose name is in that business directory? And on the topic of business directories how is your name coming up in business directories?"
"How would I know that? I`ll have you know I have been marked out as the dog to watch, why just the other day my trainer told me `I am keeping a close eye on you`. So word does get around you know".
"Just what I feared" I groaned.
"You just worry too much. This is a nothing but purely a business proposal. Furthermore it is of mutual benefit and entirely based on mutual trust, cooperation and a high level of confidentiality as regard this transaction".
Something about the words that he was using sounded familiar. So I queried him again. "Lets just start at the beginning, somebody close to the former regime in `M` has contacted you because you a man of great integrity. I am using `man` here as they obviously don`t know which species you are from".
"Being snide now aren`t you? But that is correct".
"And they have based this assumption on an entry in a business directory".
"True".
"Some business directory found on the internet, and that means that they don`t really know you then?"
"Yes but my details are there".
"And they sniffed those details out?" I found that quite funny so I repeated it again, "and they sniffed those details out?"
"Very droll but yes they have my details".
"So I am guessing there is some money involved here".
"That is correct, a very large sum of money that I can help them retrieve".
Realization was slowly dawning upon me but I needed some more details. "And would you need to do a lot of work to retrieve this, um, money?"
"Well all logistics are in place and all modalities worked out for a smooth actualization of the transaction within the next few working days of commencement."
Everything pointed to an internet scam. Some dreams would have to be shattered and it needed to be done quickly. "So basically what you are being asked is `please help me spirit some million dollars from country `N` through your bank account and I will give you a few million dollars for your mere participation!`"
"That is entirely correct".
"And secrecy is of utmost importance, right?"
"Right".
"And all the money will be given to you once you supply them with your account details".
"You seem to know the drill".
"Yes and if you are not careful you will be drilling a hole in your pocket".
"What do you mean?"
The time had come to educate my dog about the great e-mail scams. In fact before it went online the scam had been sent out to victims via letter and fax. It is a simple message stating the sender has a large sum of money, and needs help transferring it out of Nigeria, or some other African nation. As a reward for your help, the sender promises to pay you a third of the money. Once you respond to them, guess what? The sender explains that there are transfer fees for the transaction, and that you`ll need to pay them.
Well who said money making was easy?
Investigations have revealed that the victims tend to get embroiled into the scam as the money supposedly gets close to being paid, but can`t seem to quite get to the bank account without increasing amounts of money to be paid. These emails are constantly being modified and country of origin being changed as they travel across the globe chasing victims.
"You know I never believed in this stuff" said Nawab.
"You didn`t?"
"Hey! I am pretty sharp nothing gets by me".
And nothing gets through him too, judging by the last two break-ins. But we really need to be vigilant about these scams on the internet. I think I`ll just heed the advice in the e-mail that my bank sent me and confirm my online username, password and credit card number using the link to the bank website on the internet.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Home Work
"I have decided to do some home renovation" I told my wife.
"Oh! Oh! Are you sure about what you want to do?"
"Absolutely, should be a piece of cake".
"You know those home renovation shows probably make it look a lot easier than it is".
"Well how hard could it be? That Jamie fellow and a whole bunch of people keep doing a different renovation every week".
"You know those people are professionals".
"Well I have been watching them for the past year and I think I have figured out how it’s done. Look at it this way I will be doing only one renovation compared to the hundreds they do".
"That’s the only one I am worried about. I suppose you will want me to get involved in this hare-brained scheme of yours?"
"It is a `Home Renovation`, so everyone at home can join in. Well actually only if they want to".
"Just remember the last time you tried to fix the car`s air conditioner yourself".
A cruel blow that one. I should have seen it coming - like a vicious haymaker from Mike Tyson. Well in my defense I must say it was done with the best of intentions. That car was close to a scrap heap anyway and I was thinking of buying a new one, especially when the insurance backed out, but I digress.
"I don`t know what the car has to do with it", I said frostily, "maybe if in the past they had car shows just like the home renovation shows these days".
"Oh! Do what you want".
A small victory, I knew she would listen to logic. It was time to go hardware shopping.
"What’s that?" demanded the wife when I returned from the trip to the hardware store.
"Oh just a few tools" I said airily, hoping she would not ask for the bill.
"A few! Looks like you went and bought the whole store".
"Well what could I do? I thought I just needed a hammer and nails but this most helpful fellow at the Home Renovation section gave me a very informative talk. Very nice young chap indeed and very knowledgeable. `Handy Andy` that’s what they call him. I wanted to look at some power tools and do you know what he said?"
"I don`t but tell me anyway".
"Always use a circuit breaker/safety switch at the power outlet when using power tools. A small price to pay, for a huge payoff - you and your family`s lives! So I got this safety switch for the house and circuit breakers for all the outlets. Remind me to call the electrician tomorrow".
"And what`s this? My God is that the price?"
"Look this drill will practically pay for itself. Screwdriving and drilling are easy with this Swiss made 14.4 volt cordless drill. Features keyless chuck, 5 stage clutch and 2 variable speeds, shaft lock, low profile design, lightweight, electric motor brake and battery recycling program. And it’s very useful in hanging up those picture frames you always wanted me to do" said I remembering what Handy Andy had told me.
"That looks like a very fancy saw".
"Oh we needed a saw and Handy Andy says they are indispensable around the house. And this one features low friction coating for more efficient action and thicker blade results in less energy consuming vibrations. I just couldn`t buy only the saw; you do need these other tools to help with the finishing. Can`t have it looking like some shabby amateur effort".
"I suppose you will have to tell me about this", she said as she slowly lowered herself into a chair. Poor thing did not look too well, looks like my attempt at making breakfast had not agreed with her.
"Well you know all this woodwork can`t just be done anywhere. It’s not safe with the children in the house. So I got this workbench".
"Is that just a workbench?"
"Well not exactly. It is the new XX2005 workcentre. You see it is the centrepiece of the Woodworking System with improved side chassis & clamps. You will create professional results every time you do a woodworking job. Features quick 40 second conversion from table saw to crosscut saw. I mean you don`t want the home improvement to look like shabby job do you?" reinforcing what I had said earlier.
"You`ve got all these DVDs. How many did you need?"
"Oh those are the training DVDs you need to learn about the craft".
"But that looks like a small DVD player and TV. We already have a DVD player and TV".
"True but then I won`t be working in the lounge and can`t keep the kids away from their movies, so this is a good system to keep things away."
"I can think of other things to keep away" she said tersely, "Anything else I need to know?"
"Not really", I said, thinking it was probably not the time to tell her about the new work shed that I had got. But I will do it soon. Really I will, don`t you believe me?
Footnote: This was previously published in ’The Indian Connexion’.
"Oh! Oh! Are you sure about what you want to do?"
"Absolutely, should be a piece of cake".
"You know those home renovation shows probably make it look a lot easier than it is".
"Well how hard could it be? That Jamie fellow and a whole bunch of people keep doing a different renovation every week".
"You know those people are professionals".
"Well I have been watching them for the past year and I think I have figured out how it’s done. Look at it this way I will be doing only one renovation compared to the hundreds they do".
"That’s the only one I am worried about. I suppose you will want me to get involved in this hare-brained scheme of yours?"
"It is a `Home Renovation`, so everyone at home can join in. Well actually only if they want to".
"Just remember the last time you tried to fix the car`s air conditioner yourself".
A cruel blow that one. I should have seen it coming - like a vicious haymaker from Mike Tyson. Well in my defense I must say it was done with the best of intentions. That car was close to a scrap heap anyway and I was thinking of buying a new one, especially when the insurance backed out, but I digress.
"I don`t know what the car has to do with it", I said frostily, "maybe if in the past they had car shows just like the home renovation shows these days".
"Oh! Do what you want".
A small victory, I knew she would listen to logic. It was time to go hardware shopping.
"What’s that?" demanded the wife when I returned from the trip to the hardware store.
"Oh just a few tools" I said airily, hoping she would not ask for the bill.
"A few! Looks like you went and bought the whole store".
"Well what could I do? I thought I just needed a hammer and nails but this most helpful fellow at the Home Renovation section gave me a very informative talk. Very nice young chap indeed and very knowledgeable. `Handy Andy` that’s what they call him. I wanted to look at some power tools and do you know what he said?"
"I don`t but tell me anyway".
"Always use a circuit breaker/safety switch at the power outlet when using power tools. A small price to pay, for a huge payoff - you and your family`s lives! So I got this safety switch for the house and circuit breakers for all the outlets. Remind me to call the electrician tomorrow".
"And what`s this? My God is that the price?"
"Look this drill will practically pay for itself. Screwdriving and drilling are easy with this Swiss made 14.4 volt cordless drill. Features keyless chuck, 5 stage clutch and 2 variable speeds, shaft lock, low profile design, lightweight, electric motor brake and battery recycling program. And it’s very useful in hanging up those picture frames you always wanted me to do" said I remembering what Handy Andy had told me.
"That looks like a very fancy saw".
"Oh we needed a saw and Handy Andy says they are indispensable around the house. And this one features low friction coating for more efficient action and thicker blade results in less energy consuming vibrations. I just couldn`t buy only the saw; you do need these other tools to help with the finishing. Can`t have it looking like some shabby amateur effort".
"I suppose you will have to tell me about this", she said as she slowly lowered herself into a chair. Poor thing did not look too well, looks like my attempt at making breakfast had not agreed with her.
"Well you know all this woodwork can`t just be done anywhere. It’s not safe with the children in the house. So I got this workbench".
"Is that just a workbench?"
"Well not exactly. It is the new XX2005 workcentre. You see it is the centrepiece of the Woodworking System with improved side chassis & clamps. You will create professional results every time you do a woodworking job. Features quick 40 second conversion from table saw to crosscut saw. I mean you don`t want the home improvement to look like shabby job do you?" reinforcing what I had said earlier.
"You`ve got all these DVDs. How many did you need?"
"Oh those are the training DVDs you need to learn about the craft".
"But that looks like a small DVD player and TV. We already have a DVD player and TV".
"True but then I won`t be working in the lounge and can`t keep the kids away from their movies, so this is a good system to keep things away."
"I can think of other things to keep away" she said tersely, "Anything else I need to know?"
"Not really", I said, thinking it was probably not the time to tell her about the new work shed that I had got. But I will do it soon. Really I will, don`t you believe me?
Footnote: This was previously published in ’The Indian Connexion’.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Oh Dog!
"You do know that you were sent here to serve me" said Nawab.
"What's that?", replied I wondering where this conversation was leading upto.
"I meant that your sole reason for existing is to serve me".
"Ha! Fat chance, now do you want the chicken or beef for dinner?" said I rummaging through the tins of dog food.
"I kind of bored eating that brand, did you get that organic steak I had asked for?"
"Well I was sort of hoping to serve it on the weekend. Don't give me that look. OK! OK! Just give me ten minutes, I'll get it ready for you".
"Good boy! Now you get that dinner ready, I need to chat with the poet".
"Chat? Are you racking up the mobile bill with your SMS chats again?"
"No! I am using the internet these days".
"So still using the 'Snoop Doggy Dog' nom-de-plume while chatting with the poet. Heh! Heh! Got any more ditties to share? Ha ha".
"Obviously you havn't evolved sufficiently to have an appreciation of poetry and other fine arts. Hopefully your cooking skills will improve too. Just remember not to overcook the steak like the last time. And while you are at it make some Ratatouille as a side dish, I need to increase my veggie intake".
"Sometimes I think all I ever do is cook for you".
"Well I did say your purpose in life is to look after me".
"Hah! Thats what you think, by the way I got that Lassie DVD collection that you had asked for".
"Good! Does it have all the special features?"
"I think so. Does it matter. Alright I'll check".
"Good boy, just keeping adding to your good karma. I am keeping a count for you".
"Yeah sure and you have a direct line to God I'll bet".
"As long as you draw the blinds at night".
"Whats my drawing of blinds got to do with it? Oh! That reminds me 'Do you know how to make a Venetian blind', get it 'Venetian Blinds'?".
"I do, I do. That was just a bait and you took it. But remember when your karma is counted and totalled we won't hold your jokes against you".
"Ok Dog Bhagwan jee anything else we can do improve?"
"Scarcasm will get you nowhere. Now tell me, kids listening to you these days?"
"Yeah! You noticed that too - no whining and crying - just as if God's been listening to my prayers".
"Well being the ultimate and most powerful one has its benefits at times".
"So you think I should pray harder for that Ferrari too?"
"Just get the dinner served on time".
"Here I am talking of God ji and Dog ji wants to be fed. Its ready now, here you go dinner is served".
"As I had said before, you do know that you were sent here to serve me".
"What's that?", replied I wondering where this conversation was leading upto.
"I meant that your sole reason for existing is to serve me".
"Ha! Fat chance, now do you want the chicken or beef for dinner?" said I rummaging through the tins of dog food.
"I kind of bored eating that brand, did you get that organic steak I had asked for?"
"Well I was sort of hoping to serve it on the weekend. Don't give me that look. OK! OK! Just give me ten minutes, I'll get it ready for you".
"Good boy! Now you get that dinner ready, I need to chat with the poet".
"Chat? Are you racking up the mobile bill with your SMS chats again?"
"No! I am using the internet these days".
"So still using the 'Snoop Doggy Dog' nom-de-plume while chatting with the poet. Heh! Heh! Got any more ditties to share? Ha ha".
"Obviously you havn't evolved sufficiently to have an appreciation of poetry and other fine arts. Hopefully your cooking skills will improve too. Just remember not to overcook the steak like the last time. And while you are at it make some Ratatouille as a side dish, I need to increase my veggie intake".
"Sometimes I think all I ever do is cook for you".
"Well I did say your purpose in life is to look after me".
"Hah! Thats what you think, by the way I got that Lassie DVD collection that you had asked for".
"Good! Does it have all the special features?"
"I think so. Does it matter. Alright I'll check".
"Good boy, just keeping adding to your good karma. I am keeping a count for you".
"Yeah sure and you have a direct line to God I'll bet".
"As long as you draw the blinds at night".
"Whats my drawing of blinds got to do with it? Oh! That reminds me 'Do you know how to make a Venetian blind', get it 'Venetian Blinds'?".
"I do, I do. That was just a bait and you took it. But remember when your karma is counted and totalled we won't hold your jokes against you".
"Ok Dog Bhagwan jee anything else we can do improve?"
"Scarcasm will get you nowhere. Now tell me, kids listening to you these days?"
"Yeah! You noticed that too - no whining and crying - just as if God's been listening to my prayers".
"Well being the ultimate and most powerful one has its benefits at times".
"So you think I should pray harder for that Ferrari too?"
"Just get the dinner served on time".
"Here I am talking of God ji and Dog ji wants to be fed. Its ready now, here you go dinner is served".
"As I had said before, you do know that you were sent here to serve me".
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
The Deadline
"The deadline is approaching, have you written anything?" inquired my editor over the phone.
"And what deadline was that?" was my counter response as I frantically searched for the missing design specification documents on my desk.
"My dear fellow you tend to forget everything. I am surprised that you even remember who you are.."
"Well I've these few hundred business cards with my name on it or at least I think it is my name", I countered facetiously. "What was it that I was supposed to remember?"
A silence over the phone line told me that either the line was disconnected or my editor was having a silent heart attack.
"The deadline for the magazine article, that you promised you would hand in by the end of last week"
"Ah! You mean that deadline" I replied as I frantically racked my brain for excuses to offer. Hmm the dog ate my article, but I probably need to buy a dog first to corroborate that one. Or how about I have been having a problem with mice lately - which was not entirely incorrect considering the number of electronic rodents that my computer was going through. Maybe I could blame my kids, they would probably blame me for something when they grew up, so how about I got a headstart on them instead. But before I could dream further I was awakened by the spluttering noises coming from the phone. It sounded like the poor chap was having seizures of some sort.
"So what do you think I should write about" I said keeping it nice and conversational.
Something informative, something about two columns long - that was the gist of the conversation. A tough ask but someone had to do it. For an older audience too, darn it that eliminated the "A for Apple" scenario so cunningly envisioned for the younger readers. Informative, now that's a word, gives me license to cover a vast number of topics. Easy enough to find redundant facts and get them printed. A quick search on the internet was enough to gather the information. Maybe that deadline could still be met. Half an hour later and the article was winging its way towards my editor. So when I got the call from him soon after I was looking forward to hear the superlatives.
"Please, there is no need to thank me, though I know you must have been impressed"
"What's this?", was the terse reply.
"Information, facts, everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask".
The deep breathing over the phone told me that the man was obviously getting emotional again. Must have be overwhelmed by the beauty of my prose.
"I'd just like to read to you what you have just sent me"
"Please I was just doing what you had asked for - information. Just plainly presented in a clear and concise manner."
"Well this is what it says and I quote 'There are no wild deer of any kind in Australia, and the small red deer is the only one found in Africa..."
"True", I interrupted, " and I was really proud about that red deer fact. I don't think too many people know that one".
"Let me continue with what you sent and I quote 'There are some 50 different species of sea snakes, and all of them are venomous. They thrive in abundance along the coast from the Persian Gulf to Japan and around Australia and Melanesia. Their venom is ten times as virulent as that of the cobra. Humans bitten by them have died within two-and-a-half hours..."
"Pretty scary huh? And informative".
"You further write 'The black swan is the only species of swan to be indigenous to Australia. The black swan can be found in all of AustraliaÂ’s states.'"
"You think I can write about the Sydney Swans, get it Sydney Swans..".
"Continuing with this thing that you have submitted 'the burrowing boodie of Australia is the only kangaroo in the world that lives underground.
The emu is AustraliaÂ’s largest bird at a height of 7 feet tall. It canÂ’t fly, but it can swim and has the ability to run up to 40 miles per hour.
The dingo is a wild dog living in Australia. They were brought to the continent by the Aboriginals and are thought to be pests because they attack farm animals.
The dingo, a wild dog of Australia, plays dead when threatened by attackers. It can endure being beaten mercilessly for a long period of time before it seizes an opportunity to escape.
The duckbill platypus of Australia can store up to 600 worms in its large cheek pouches.
Australia's box jelly is the world's most dangerous jellyfish. Its toxin is more potent than cobra venom and can kill a person in minutes.' end quote".
"You know you missed the one about the Koala Sanctuary", I said, "I still have the facts with me. Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary opened in 1927 in Brisbane, Australia, and it was the first, and is still the largest, koala sanctuary in the world. Tourists can cuddle one of 130 koalas, hand feed kangaroos and emus, and see a large variety of Australian native wildlife in the 50-acre sanctuary, such as wombats, Tasmanian devils, and dingoes. Koala cuddling has been banned in New South Wales since 1997, but cuddling is still permitted in Queensland, and especially at Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary. In Queensland, koalas can only be cuddled for less than 30 minutes per day. They must also get every fourth day off. At Lone Pine, koalas are timed for "clock on" and "clock off" when they go to the koala cuddling area."
Something told me that he wasn't really listening. "Are you there?", I asked.
"I am. And I have good news and bad news for you today".
"Bring it on, what about the good news first"
"The good news is that you will never be missing a deadline for us again."
"And the bad news?"
"You are not writing for us - ever again" as the phone line got disconnected.
That actually sounded like good news and good news to me. And if anyone is in the market for Aussie trivia just ask them to give me a call.
"And what deadline was that?" was my counter response as I frantically searched for the missing design specification documents on my desk.
"My dear fellow you tend to forget everything. I am surprised that you even remember who you are.."
"Well I've these few hundred business cards with my name on it or at least I think it is my name", I countered facetiously. "What was it that I was supposed to remember?"
A silence over the phone line told me that either the line was disconnected or my editor was having a silent heart attack.
"The deadline for the magazine article, that you promised you would hand in by the end of last week"
"Ah! You mean that deadline" I replied as I frantically racked my brain for excuses to offer. Hmm the dog ate my article, but I probably need to buy a dog first to corroborate that one. Or how about I have been having a problem with mice lately - which was not entirely incorrect considering the number of electronic rodents that my computer was going through. Maybe I could blame my kids, they would probably blame me for something when they grew up, so how about I got a headstart on them instead. But before I could dream further I was awakened by the spluttering noises coming from the phone. It sounded like the poor chap was having seizures of some sort.
"So what do you think I should write about" I said keeping it nice and conversational.
Something informative, something about two columns long - that was the gist of the conversation. A tough ask but someone had to do it. For an older audience too, darn it that eliminated the "A for Apple" scenario so cunningly envisioned for the younger readers. Informative, now that's a word, gives me license to cover a vast number of topics. Easy enough to find redundant facts and get them printed. A quick search on the internet was enough to gather the information. Maybe that deadline could still be met. Half an hour later and the article was winging its way towards my editor. So when I got the call from him soon after I was looking forward to hear the superlatives.
"Please, there is no need to thank me, though I know you must have been impressed"
"What's this?", was the terse reply.
"Information, facts, everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask".
The deep breathing over the phone told me that the man was obviously getting emotional again. Must have be overwhelmed by the beauty of my prose.
"I'd just like to read to you what you have just sent me"
"Please I was just doing what you had asked for - information. Just plainly presented in a clear and concise manner."
"Well this is what it says and I quote 'There are no wild deer of any kind in Australia, and the small red deer is the only one found in Africa..."
"True", I interrupted, " and I was really proud about that red deer fact. I don't think too many people know that one".
"Let me continue with what you sent and I quote 'There are some 50 different species of sea snakes, and all of them are venomous. They thrive in abundance along the coast from the Persian Gulf to Japan and around Australia and Melanesia. Their venom is ten times as virulent as that of the cobra. Humans bitten by them have died within two-and-a-half hours..."
"Pretty scary huh? And informative".
"You further write 'The black swan is the only species of swan to be indigenous to Australia. The black swan can be found in all of AustraliaÂ’s states.'"
"You think I can write about the Sydney Swans, get it Sydney Swans..".
"Continuing with this thing that you have submitted 'the burrowing boodie of Australia is the only kangaroo in the world that lives underground.
The emu is AustraliaÂ’s largest bird at a height of 7 feet tall. It canÂ’t fly, but it can swim and has the ability to run up to 40 miles per hour.
The dingo is a wild dog living in Australia. They were brought to the continent by the Aboriginals and are thought to be pests because they attack farm animals.
The dingo, a wild dog of Australia, plays dead when threatened by attackers. It can endure being beaten mercilessly for a long period of time before it seizes an opportunity to escape.
The duckbill platypus of Australia can store up to 600 worms in its large cheek pouches.
Australia's box jelly is the world's most dangerous jellyfish. Its toxin is more potent than cobra venom and can kill a person in minutes.' end quote".
"You know you missed the one about the Koala Sanctuary", I said, "I still have the facts with me. Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary opened in 1927 in Brisbane, Australia, and it was the first, and is still the largest, koala sanctuary in the world. Tourists can cuddle one of 130 koalas, hand feed kangaroos and emus, and see a large variety of Australian native wildlife in the 50-acre sanctuary, such as wombats, Tasmanian devils, and dingoes. Koala cuddling has been banned in New South Wales since 1997, but cuddling is still permitted in Queensland, and especially at Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary. In Queensland, koalas can only be cuddled for less than 30 minutes per day. They must also get every fourth day off. At Lone Pine, koalas are timed for "clock on" and "clock off" when they go to the koala cuddling area."
Something told me that he wasn't really listening. "Are you there?", I asked.
"I am. And I have good news and bad news for you today".
"Bring it on, what about the good news first"
"The good news is that you will never be missing a deadline for us again."
"And the bad news?"
"You are not writing for us - ever again" as the phone line got disconnected.
That actually sounded like good news and good news to me. And if anyone is in the market for Aussie trivia just ask them to give me a call.
Friday, June 17, 2005
A Reasonable Dog
You ought to be ashamed of yourself", said Nawab nibbling away at the bag of chips.
"ME? Now what have I done?" I asked, cursing the day this opinionated hound came into my care. That's right "hound" was what I had said and I am not going into it again, the whole story is somewhere out there on the net if you care to find it. In short Nawab my talking dog given to me by my Pakistani friend Ahmed now resident in Canada (the friend not the dog unfortunately).
"You shouldn't have got the cat. You know I am allergic to them".
"Ridiculous. You are only sulking since the cat started sleeping in your basket".
"Am not, I only want the cat to acknowledge that this is a dog's household. That cat has to learn that we live here by doggie rules. All it needs to do is respect my sentiments, why can't a cat be more like a dog?".
"Come on, you are being unreasonable. Its a nice cat, surely there is something about it that you like".
"Well some of that cat food is not bad and I do watch Garfield on TV. Why some of my best friends have been cats. Just let the cat know that I came to this house first, return my basket and all my toys. The cat can then stay if you like".
And upon that he promptly made for the fridge nudged open the door and started nosing around.
"So where is the cat going to sleep now?", I asked.
"Oh put it in the kennel outside, I said I am a reasonable dog", said he munching on the chicken as it started to pour outside.
"ME? Now what have I done?" I asked, cursing the day this opinionated hound came into my care. That's right "hound" was what I had said and I am not going into it again, the whole story is somewhere out there on the net if you care to find it. In short Nawab my talking dog given to me by my Pakistani friend Ahmed now resident in Canada (the friend not the dog unfortunately).
"You shouldn't have got the cat. You know I am allergic to them".
"Ridiculous. You are only sulking since the cat started sleeping in your basket".
"Am not, I only want the cat to acknowledge that this is a dog's household. That cat has to learn that we live here by doggie rules. All it needs to do is respect my sentiments, why can't a cat be more like a dog?".
"Come on, you are being unreasonable. Its a nice cat, surely there is something about it that you like".
"Well some of that cat food is not bad and I do watch Garfield on TV. Why some of my best friends have been cats. Just let the cat know that I came to this house first, return my basket and all my toys. The cat can then stay if you like".
And upon that he promptly made for the fridge nudged open the door and started nosing around.
"So where is the cat going to sleep now?", I asked.
"Oh put it in the kennel outside, I said I am a reasonable dog", said he munching on the chicken as it started to pour outside.
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